Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
