They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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