I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize