dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You have to summon your inner elephant
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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