hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
