Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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