Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
