If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
