You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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