There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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