On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Randomize
