Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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