i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Mom said you looked used
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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