dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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