I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
