I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
