Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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