Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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