Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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