If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
