Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
