Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
