at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
