Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
