She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
