I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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