I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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