he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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