I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
