oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
