Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
