In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your mouth is God's brothel.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
