It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
