Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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