So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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