I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
