Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
