i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
