Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
