The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize