I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
