sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
