Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
