I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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