I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
