so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
