i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
