I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
