I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
