I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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