eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
