On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My first STD was from a foam party
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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