Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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