I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
