Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize