apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize