I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
