she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
True college students do jello shots in the library
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize