So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
